


What are rules for

by belomisheart



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), The format is weird, but enjoy anyway, idk what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28317849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belomisheart/pseuds/belomisheart
Summary: Get an exclusive look into the Marauders' guide to dealing with any kind of situation! An unrequited crush? Remus got your back! An... other unrequited crush? Well, if Remus' advices didn't work, Sirius is here! Two of your best friends are in love but are too dumb to realize it? James' guide is made for you!
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	1. Remus' guide to dealing with a crush

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't know what this is haha, i had the idea in my drafts for months and felt like actually writing it. i have no idea if it will turn out to be enjoyable, so please let me know what you think of it! it has four chapters but they're all quite short, i guess. as i'm writing this the four chapters aren't completed yet but they will be very soon so don't worry.
> 
> enjoy :)  
> xx ailey

_Rule number 1: Don't stare at him._  
Remus used to stare a lot. How could he not? Sirius was the most beautiful human being he had ever seen. But then he had been caught. By Sirius himself. When that had happened, the latter had frowned and then quickly looked away. It was in a class of History of Magic, and Remus was so embarrassed that he had almost fallen off his chair. His attempt at trying to stay seated probably ended up being louder than falling off the chair would have been, because everyone had turned to look at him and Remus had heard some of his classmates laughing. Sirius was one of them.  
That was when Remus had come up with rule number one.  
 _Don’t stare at him. You’ll only embarrass yourself._

_Rule number 2: Avoid sitting next to him in class._  
It shouldn’t have been a problem, because there’s nothing wrong with sitting next to your friend. And Remus and Sirius were good friends. But Remus quickly understood he couldn’t deal with it.  
First of all, Sirius’ knee constantly brushed against his own. Sirius was obviously not aware of what he was doing, but it would distract Remus so badly that he wouldn’t be able to focus on the class and properly take notes. Then, Sirius’ scent would also get stuck on the werewolf’s clothes for the following hours, which, once again, distracted Remus more than it should have.  
After a while, he just decided that he had to stop sitting next to him, and started sitting next to James instead.

_Rule number 3: Only cry in the shower._  
One day he felt especially upset after catching Sirius make out with some girl, Remus started feeling the need to cry his heart out, but didn’t allow himself to do so. It was hard because he was always surrounded by people – his friends, other students or even professors. He couldn’t just curl up in his bed and weep, because he was never alone in the dorm room either.  
He discovered that day that he had the most privacy when he was showering, and that it was therefore the perfect place to let go. There, no one could hear him sob or notice the tears rolling down his cheeks.

_Rule number 4: When he smiles, smile back._  
Even with rule number one, Remus still found himself glancing at Sirius every once in a while, not only because he was physically unable to not do it, but also because they were friends and it would have been suspicious if he constantly avoided his gaze. So, it happened sometimes that their eyes met. And that Sirius smiled at him. After making sure his heart was still beating at a normal rate, Remus always smiled back, because it would have been odd to just ignore his friend. _Friend_. That was what Sirius needed him to be, so that was what he would be. Nothing more.

_Rule number 5: Never get drunk around him._  
Remus had once been foolish enough to drink with Sirius. It had been fun, at first, but then things had gotten real very quickly and Remus had almost confessed his feelings for his friend. Which could never happen, not under any circumstances, not ever. When, the next day, he had realised what had almost happened, he had promised to himself that he would never get drunk near Sirius ever again. It had been hard, at first, but the fear of accidentally revealing to him the secrets of his heart was so terrifying that he managed to keep his word.

_Rule number 6: Never show how deeply it affects you when he dates other people._  
Remus quickly had had to come to term with the fact that Sirius dated. A lot. Probably a new girl every two weeks, but who was counting. At some point, he’d started dating boys, too, and this had been somehow even harder to deal with. It was more painful, because it meant that he was, in fact, attracted to boys. Just not to Remus.  
But no matter how much it hurt him to see Sirius kissing other people, he never let it show. On the contrary, Remus repressed his feelings more and more as time went by. It was a difficult task but, in the end, he was sure it was efficient. There was no way Sirius had a clue what his friend was feeling.

_Rule number 7: When his nightmares get bad and he climbs into your bed, let him._  
It was a common thing for Sirius to have nightmares. At some point, when he and Remus were becoming really close friends, he started going into his bed in particularly bad nights, when he just needed someone to hold him and comfort him. He only had to mumble something about a nightmare and Remus would let him get under the covers without any hesitation. As his feelings for his friend grew stronger, it became harder and harder for the werewolf to sleep when the black-haired boy was next to him. But, no matter how much sleep it took away from him, Remus never dreamed of asking Sirius to stop. He just cared too much.


	2. Sirius' guide to dealing with a crush

_Rule one: Look at him as much as you can so you can picture his face whenever you have nightmares. It’ll calm you down._  
For as long as he could remember, Sirius had always had nightmares. For years, they used to be about his family rejecting him, or about being attacked by monsters. A little boy’s nightmares. But around the time when he had started going to Hogwarts, the nightmares had changed. At first, he didn’t understand what they were about. The most recurrent one was him running towards something, a dark shape on the floor, but he always woke up before he could see what it was. When he’d open his eyes, he’d still be panicking, but he wouldn’t understand why. That was until he eventually figured it out one night. Before that he had thought that maybe the shape was a dog, that he was seeing himself wounded or even dead. But it wasn’t it, he knew it wasn’t. But one night he finally put the pieces together. It was a full moon and Remus was wolfing out somewhere. Sirius, James and Peter were anxiously waiting under the Whomping Willow. After several hours, when Remus was still not coming back and it was starting to be worrying, Sirius turned into his animagus form and went looking for him. When he finally found him, passed out in the forbidden forest, he understood. In fact, the reality of what he was looking at was so violently alike his nightmare that he thought it was coming true. The dark shape wasn’t a dog – it wasn’t himself like he had thought – it was a wolf. Remus. Thankfully, when he got closer, he saw that it wasn’t as bad as what he was used to dreaming about. No big blood stain, no deep scratches on his side.  
Remus was okay, but realising what his nightmare meant was a hard blow for Sirius. Because it revealed a lot about what he was the most afraid of. Losing Moony.  
At first, every time he had this nightmare after that night he’d check his friend’s bed to make sure he was there, sleeping safely. And then he’d go back to his own bed and picture Remus’ face in his mind. He knew it by heart, better than his own, and seeing the familiar traits calmed him down a bit.  
But after a while it wasn’t enough anymore. He needed to see him breathe, to listen to his heart beat, to feel the warmth of his skin. And so eventually he started climbing into Remus’ bed in the middle of the night. He would pretend to be half-asleep and not conscious enough to realise what he was doing so that Moony wouldn’t think it was weird. But the truth was, he was always very much awake, and he knew that all he needed was Remus next to him.

_Rule two: When he catches you staring, just smile and then pretend to be busy with something else. It has to look casual, like you weren’t even staring in the first place._  
It was a rare occurrence for Remus to look at Sirius. It still happened sometimes nonetheless, and Sirius had to be ready for those moments. After having thought about it a lot – probably more than a normal person would have – he decided on a procedure to follow. The first step was to not look away at first, because a sudden change of attitude would be more suspicious than anything else. The second step was to smile. Not a wide or tense smile, no, it had to be as natural as possible. A friendly, casual smile. The way he would smile at James. The third step was to turn away and pretend to be captivated by something else. Anything. Depending on the situation, he could either start a conversation with someone, pretend to write something down on his parchment or just listen to what the teacher was saying. It didn’t matter, he just had to do _something_ that would make it look like he had just crossed Remus’ gaze by accident.

_Rule three: When you want him too badly, just find someone – anyone – and imagine it’s his lips, his hands, his moans._  
Sirius knew that people loved to talk behind his back about his dating life. He didn’t understand why they did it, but he knew it happened. They said that he dated too much, that he was unable to commit to one person, that he was a fuckboy and a heartbreaker. Sirius had spent years trying to figure out why it mattered so much to them. It wasn’t like he was lying or manipulating anyone. Well, not really. He was always very clear about his intentions – or rather lack of intention of committing to a long-term relationship – and never made any promises. He didn’t get why everyone felt like they had a right to comment on it when that way worked perfectly well for him and for the people he was hanging out with.  
Or, well, it had worked perfectly well for him until he had met Alycia, a girl his age from Hufflepuff. She was sweet and they had had a great time together for a while. Or so he thought until one day she had decided they “needed to talk.”   
“Look, Sirius,” she had told him. “This isn’t working out. And, before you ask, no, it’s not because we don’t have fun together, but… I don’t know. I feel like you’re not here with me. I feel like you’re with someone else, maybe. Or, like, I feel like you _wished_ you were with someone else.”  
It was at that moment that he realised why he never stayed with the same person for too long. It was because he was looking for something he could never have.  
Instead of stopping everything and trying to deal with his feelings in a healthy way, Sirius kept on making out and having sex with other people, except from that point on he started to consciously imagine that whoever he was with was Remus. He knew it wasn’t right, he knew it was manipulative and mean, but that was the only thing that made him feel temporarily better when he wanted to be with Remus so bad that it physically hurt. And so he would try to find his eyes, his laugh, his hips in someone else, but he never could. All it ever did was make him want him more.

_Rule four: When you know he’s out of chocolate, sneak into Hogsmeade and buy him some. The look on his face when he sees it will be worth everything._  
If there was one thing that Remus was known for, it was his love of chocolate. At times, Sirius thought that there was nothing else that he loved as much as it. Which was why it was always heartbreaking to see Remus’ chocolate stock diminish until there was nothing left. Usually, Remus managed to always have some bars on hand so he wouldn’t run out before having the chance to buy some more at Hogsmeade, but it happened that his chocolate consumption rose highly when he was under stress, during exams or around a strong full moon. When Remus had run out of chocolate for the first time, he was so devastated and affected by it that he didn’t talk to anyone all day and seemed to be sadder than he had ever been. That day, Sirius had promised himself that he would never let his best friend go through this again. Every since that moment, he had kept an eye on Moony’s chocolate supply and had made illegal trips to Hogsmeade – using the secret underground passage – to buy him some more. When he came back, he never gave the goods directly to Remus, but he immediately put them in his drawer instead. The look of relief and pure joy on the brown-haired boy’s face when he realized his reserves had magically filled themselves was everything Sirius needed to be happy. They had never talked about it, but Sirius thought it was obvious that he was the one making the trips. He was the only one foolish enough to risk being caught for such a futile thing like chocolate, because he was the only one who loved Remus that much.

_Rule five: After every full moon, stay with him in the hospital wing. You’ll miss classes and you won’t sleep much, but you need to make sure he’s okay._  
Full moons weren’t easy. Obviously, they weren’t easy for Remus. One might even say that they were impossible. Nothing could ever compare to the pain and suffering he had to go through during those long, lonely hours. And Sirius knew that. He knew that nothing he could do could ever make the pain go away, or could ever make the experience easier for his best friend. All he could do was stay up all night, waiting for him, and then stay up all day with him in his hospital bed. Nothing scared him more than the thought of something happening to him, and that feeling was only amplified by his nightmares. When it was the full moon and Remus was out wandering, all Sirius could see when he closed his eyes was that black shape, bleeding to death on the floor. And so, no matter how many times Remus had told him that he didn’t need to stay with him, and no matter how many times Madam Pomfrey had tried to chase him out of the infirmary, he had never left. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about what they had to say, or that he just seized every opportunity to miss class. It was that he felt his heart would stop if he didn’t make sure that Remus was okay and breathing. It was that he knew he couldn’t handle it if something happened to his Moony when he should have been looking after him.


	3. James’ guide to setting up your two best friends

1) When you first notice how they look at one another, don’t say anything to anyone – not even to Lily. Just take your time to get used to the idea of your two best friends being happy together. If you can’t wrap your head around it, keep observing them and you’ll notice how deeply they love each other and how miserable they are because they think their feelings are unrequited. Once you realize how much happier they’d be together, start thinking of a way to get them to admit their feelings. Of course, they’re both stubborn and Remus isn’t out, so it’d be hard to have a straightforward conversation with them about it. So try to think of something more subtle, so that they won’t realize they’re being set up until it’s too late.

2) Start thinking of ways you could trick them into admitting their feelings for one another. What strategy could you adopt? You could lock them in a room together, but they would probably find a way out before even looking at each other in the eye. You could start subtly implying that you know and that it’s okay if they want to get together, but it would probably make them freak out and be counterproductive. What would really force them to admit how they feel? Ah, yes: if they thought the other was in danger. They would freak out and confess out of panic. This plan is flawless, good job James. But- wait, how do you manage that without _actually_ putting either of them at risk?  
Oh. Right.

3) Ask McGonagall for help. You know she won’t refuse because Remus and Sirius are like her sons. No matter how unprofessional, she’ll help you (she has to, right?).  
Ask her to go get Remus while he’s in class. She’ll look panicked and will ask to talk to him outside the classroom. There, after pretending to fight off tears (she’s a great actress, isn’t she?), she’ll tell him that Sirius was in a bad accident (what kind of accident? A magical thing, for sure. Maybe he tried to practice a spell that was too advanced for him. Actually, it won’t even matter cause Remus will have stopped listening after “accident”). She’ll say he’s in a critical condition in the hospital wing. Again, it doesn’t even have to be precise because at this point Remus will already be running towards the infirmary. It is important in this plan that he gets there before Sirius does, so you have to make sure that you are well coordinated with McGonagall. When Remus gets there, Madam Pomfrey will tell him to lay on a bed in order to calm down while he waits for Sirius, who had to be isolated. He will obey without questioning her because she always helps him after full moons and he respects her a lot.

4) At the same time, you will be telling Sirius about how badly hurt Remus is. If Sirius starts asking more specific questions, dodge them by telling him that he’s in the hospital wing and that he’s been saying Sirius’ name in his madness. If he hasn’t already, Sirius should be gone for the infirmary right after you tell him that, and should arrive there five minutes after Remus.

5) When he’ll arrive at the hospital wing, he’ll see Remus lying on the bed and he’ll freak out. Without any hesitation, he’ll hug him and tell him how much he loves him. Obviously, Remus won’t understand what’s happening. When he’ll see that Sirius is well and not badly injured like he feared, he’ll start telling him about how glad he is that he’s okay and how he would be miserable without him.

6) After the first few seconds (or minutes) of confusion, they’ll quickly realise that the other isn’t injured at all. When they’ll start wondering about what happened and why there was a big misunderstanding, it’ll already be too late because they’ll remember everything that they said when they were freaking out. They’ll stare intensely in each other’s eyes and then confess their undying love for the other and kiss and live happily ever after!


	4. Peter’s guide to surviving your two best friends being in love.

_N°1: When James tells you his plan, try and be supportive (even though it’ll never work)._  
It was a crazy idea, and it was going to piss them off more than anything else. Trying to set up two people together was never a good move anyway. It only worked in the movies. In real life, it was awkward and only created tensions and conflicts that weren’t there before. But, after all, what did Peter know about love? He wasn’t a big romantic. In fact, he felt rather indifferent to romance.  
So, when James came to him to expose his plan, he was quite sceptical at first. Was James sure that Remus and Sirius _liked_ each other? And did he really want to go through the trouble of making them admit it? If they did feel something for one another, wouldn’t they figure it out on their own?  
His less than enthusiastic reception of James’ plan only made the latter more passionate about it. He spent countless nights and free periods making sure that every detail was perfect. It took him weeks to convince both McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey to help him. Peter was so sure that he would give up when he realized how much effort he had to put in a scheme like this, but he never flinched. And finally, on a warm spring day, James put his plan into action.

And it worked. Remus and Sirius both acted exactly as James had predicted, if not even more dramatically, and by the time James and Peter joined them in the hospital wing to check how everything had gone, they were refusing to let go of one another. Followed an uncomfortable couple of days during which they were both so mad at James but at the same time so grateful. These emotions didn’t mix well together. One moment Sirius was making jokes and laughing with James, and the other he was hitting him with his Book of Potions. James didn’t really care, though. He was too busy boasting about the fact that _his_ plan had successfully gotten his two best friends together.

_N°2: If Sirius says he’s cold, don’t give him your jacket._  
This was something Peter had had to learn the hard way, because his tendency to be a little oblivious never got him in Sirius’ good graces.  
One day, a few months after Remus and Sirius had gotten together, the Marauders were resting under the Whomping Willow. It was the beginning of their 7th year and autumn was quickly becoming quite chilly, but of course Sirius was still wearing summer clothes. It didn’t seem to bother him, though, which is why Peter was quite surprised when, a few minutes later, Sirius stated out loud that he was cold. Surprised but nonetheless polite, Peter took off his extra jacket and gave it to him. It took him several noes and death glares from his three friends to finally understand that this was Sirius’ strategy to get Remus to give him his jacket.  
In a nutshell, Peter was never offering his jacket to Sirius ever again, and he didn’t care if that meant the latter was going to freeze to death.

_N°3: Never be mean to Remus (or else Sirius will make you pay)._  
‘Don’t be mean to your friend’ seems to be a pretty basic rule of any friendship. And one that Peter followed, for the most part. But sometimes he was just tired and irritated and he would blurt out things that he didn’t mean – or rather things that he didn’t want to say out loud – at unexpected moments. That was something that happened, but until recently he hadn’t been so unlucky that it had happened to Sirius’ boyfriend.  
He didn’t even recall what he had said. He remembered a conversation about a complicated spell they had been asked to practice, and he remembered that Remus was doing it wrong, but he was so used to getting everything right on the first try that he was refusing to recognised he was mistaken. At some point, Peter lost it. And he didn’t need to remember what he had said exactly to know that it had been extremely rude of him.  
For the following weeks after that incident, Sirius refused to talk to him, even after Remus told him that he was over it. Worse, Sirius actually started hiding Peter’s essays in the dorm and putting ants in his food. Naturally, Peter never dared say a bad word about Remus ever again.

_N°4: If you enter the dorm and realize that Remus and Sirius were alone inside, get out._  
This had happened to Peter too many times for it to not be a rule. And the worst part was that it kept happening. Frequently.  
Sometimes he wished James had never followed through with his plan just so he could go back to entering his _own room_ whenever he pleased without worrying about finding two naked men inside. Two naked and angry men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took so long, but there you have it!  
> i hope you enjoyed this little story (and the particular format too)
> 
> xx ailey


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